Thursday, November 29, 2012

Say "Crunk" again. I dare you. I double-dare you

Hot Topic finally has its own R.Kelly, a villain who loves to hate himself, who returns our scornful gaze with an eager mirror   August Brown, L.A. Times Music Blog "Pop & Hiss"

Time to revisit Brokencyde, just in time for the holidaze and the release of  "Best of BC13" ... which is  a misogynistic, bukkake spooge fest  of "Albucrazy, Hot Topic screamo", designed to rankle the sensitive sensibilities of sensible folks, who may not otherwise give a fuck! and to separate some more suckers from their hard earned dollars. Seventeen delightful tracks from these Albuquerque gangsta poseurs  shamelessly fronting about pussy they've never had and a libertine scene that they're not really a part of.

AWWW WAIT HOLD UP!... WAIT A MINUTE!, wouldn't "BEST OF"  imply that this shit is actually good?

It would and it isn't..... What you really have  (all in one neat package)  is a crap fest of attention grabs guaranteed to make someone threaten to kick your ass if you play them too loud. (available at iTunes, Best Buy and other distros with low standards and no qualms about selling shit like this)

Love 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em, hate 'em, they're not going away just yet. There are no grey areas with Brokencyde, you either hate them or despise them. This inane vomitorium of crunk and chunks isn't something that's going to grow on you without some effort.

the absence of evidence, is not the evidence of absence

Here's a lyrical sampler from BC13, yo! ...."I'm a celebrity baby, Brokencyde is my crew..Hand me the forty ounce! Let's get crunk in the club, cuz you make my pee pee hard, shake it mommy give it to me and I'll teach you how to scream. Freaxxx and scenez girlz at da house party sipping on 40oz. and we're still the kings, let me see you pop and lock it,  schizzo.. always go hard with the sex toyz and you'll have them squealing like a pig... bree,bree! let's get these bottles poppin' like they came with no caps, hofosho... eenie meenie, minee, moe... No matter where we go, I got them hoes all over me.

Hey chicken chokers!, a hoe is a farming implement,  I guess we still need crotch grabbing gobstoppers like Brokencyde to balance out all that's good in the world. "Mongo only pawn in the game of life" even despicable life forms such as cockroaches and rats have a place in the grand scheme of things. Mongo, in his right mind...  would crush the spleen right out of these lint lickers. 

Their first album (I'm Not a Fan but the Kids Like It) was designed to provoke and infuriate anyone and everyone within earshot. I'm Not a Fan, debuted at #87 on the Billboard Top 200 album chart. They set out to do the same with their second album (Will Never Die) which was a flaccid dismissive effort that basically repeated everything on the first album and yet it debuted at #86, selling 6,000 copies in the first week alone.   

Perhaps sensing that they aren't getting any younger, their third album went in a slightly different direction, "Guilty Pleasure" was anything but and hardcore fans declared that Brokencyde had sold out. More crunk less core and fewer screamed vocals. Predictable motherfuckers, can't even get that right.

They now have the life expectancy of a fruit fly, but they do get the last laugh on the critics that panned them, as they roll wheel barrows full of cash money to the bank. For all the ridicule that these guys get heaped on them, they have been successful, maybe more so than any other musical group to ever come out of Albuquerque not named The Shins. 

Against all odds the protagonists, David Gallegos (Se7en) Julian McLellan (Phat J, he's actually sorta fat) Michael Shea (Mikl) and Anthony Trujillo (Antz, who according to Wikipedia operates the fog machine?) have persevered in the face of overwhelming critical lambasting.  In fact they seem to feed off the barbs and slings thrown at them and flip the bird right back at ya'

Los Angeles Times music writer, August Brown is the authority on BC13, having actually written about them in serious tones that would suggest that they have some sort of redeeming value. Brown is a failed actor "who's ideal band would probably be Kraftwerk fronted by Nina Simone, with Dr.Dre as the 5th mensch machine" That's just his way of saying that he's weird in a strange way or strange in a weird way. 

On the subject of Brokencyde he writes, "This 'Albucrazy'-based band has done for MySpace emo what some think Soulja Boy did for hip-hop: turn their career into a kind of macro-performance art that exists so far beyond the tropes of irony and sincerity that to ask 'are they kidding?' is like trying to peel an onion to get to a perceived central core that, in the end, does not exist and renders all attempts to reassemble the pieces futile"

C'mon Man! dumb it down, macro performance my ass... these chuckleheads are as pre-fab as N-Sync or The Backstreet Boys. Brokencyde is Albuquerque's version of Menudo, just targeted at a slutty and sleazy pre-teen demographic that most boy bands stay clear of. 

Se7en, Mikl & Phat J didn't just stumble their way to success. They occupy a niche, deftly carved out by their management company. Brokencyde is a diabolical twist on an old formula, but they're only close approximations of the real thing, they ain't gangsta, they are wanksta.  

Expatriate 'Burque blogger Samara Alpern said about Brokencyde,  "This is you Albuquerque"  A thought somewhat echoed by August Brown. In effect they both imply that Brokencyde is merely a mirror that reflects who we are (or would wish to be) Maybe so, but they're not getting a key to the city from Mayor Marty Chavez (and yes!, he's always the Mayor)  

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Sleaze Rock

This edition of Sleaze Rock breaks from the format, three videos so astonishingly bad, that a mere four lines can't contain them.

OMG! they killed Kenny!, no such luck, he's still alive, although Billy Squier should kill Kenny (Ortega) for flushing his career down the crapper with one epic video. Ortega (of High School, the musical fame) directed Squier's Rock me Tonite, which is often cited as the worst music video ever made.

Rasheeda is a thirty something female rapper who likes to get nasty. The YouTube comments were so good that I added nothing, the lyrics & comments speak for themselves. Sadly the best comments have been purged from YouTube.  As a matter of personal choice, I would prefer Kelis' Milkshakes to Rasheeda's masticated Bubblegum.

Last and certainly least, some random shirtless dudes totally screw the pooch with a cover of Sweet Child 'O Mine. The best part of the video is at the end, when the guitarist looks at his "band mate" as if to say "We fuckin' nailed it!" the drummer then gets up to turn off the video recorder and he has a look on his face that says "This one is a keeper!"

You know it!, keep making them and I'll keep slaying them... Sleaze Rock, there ain't nothing else like it! Durrrrr! Durrr!

Billy Squier "Rock Me Tonite",  Mike Kebler of Captiol Records called this "a whopping steaming turd" The fallout from this dayglo abortion, (directed by foppish choreographer Kenny Ortega) stopped Billy's career in its tracks and ripped  his manhood in under four minutes. Billy was caught a big off guard,  "When I saw the video, my jaw dropped. It was diabolical. I looked at it and went, “What the fuck is this?, I was a good looking sexy guy, but in this video I just look poofy"

Billy went on "It was traumatizing to me, but I had nothing against gays, I have a lot of gay friends" Turn off the waterworks Billy... you did go along with it. I mean, grown ass men don't crawl around on the floor and skip like a girl. Low lights include a pink wife beater worn ala Flash Dance and a pink guitar!! Damn You Kenny Ortega, you are diabolical!  Top You Tube comment: -This is what Richard Simmons has eternally been trying to channel,  Rush P

Rasheeda - My Bubble Gum, Top YouTube comments: "First things first, I 'sheeda mess around wit no man who won't eat her" "I'm the type of girl, you wanna chew under my bubble gum" "Rasheeda needs to sit her lame ass down and be a wife and baby momma .. i mean seriously bitch you rapping about bubble gum" ...  "got the good good, you wanna eat it like desert"  "So does he eat her "bubblegum" first then take her to his mama house?" "I wish my son would bring some trashy hoe like her to my house talkin bout her stale bubble gum. pfft...."    EyeCandeeeeeeee  

Guys Without Shirts- Sweet Child O' Mine, It starts out sounding like the Guns 'n Roses megahit,  Within seconds it degenerates into a crapfest that sounds like Capt. Beefheart and Wild Man Fischer gang raping a mechanical cat. You know how a boombox sounds like when the d-cells run low? These guys replicate that sound live. Without realizing it they enter into a new dimension of noise as art, as they deconstruct the pop/rock  idiom in ways that The Residents, Godz (NYC band), Beefheart or Zappa never dreamed of. 

As fucking horrendous as these guys are, you have to wonder about Ana Lucia C. or Chaassi as she calls herself, she uploaded the video to YouTube and  now 560,000 video views later, she's riding that mule till it drops. Her attempts to glam on to these poor suckas is the musical equivalent of rounding up a bunch of homeless guys and staging bum fights for the camera. No amount of Hail Marys will save you from the fires of hell now Chaassi!